LifeSex&More

I was talking to my parents yesterday, my mother asked me where my son was. That was one of the instances where I knew where he was, so I replied he is at Best Buy. Next question came little unexpected, what is he getting? I have no idea. He no longer needs to ask my permission to go somewhere, or buy things.  That made me think that my parents never started seeing me as a grown up, they still consider me a child, who does not know any better. That realization actually was really upsetting. They never asked for my opinion for anything, and that hurt.   Also Vik and I was playing a game Heroes Might & Magic, well, we just started, I don’t usually play games, and that particular game is very pretty, but very confusing for me, so I was just asking him many questions and watching him play. So I when my dad called me on Skype I told him what we were doing. They started calling us children once again. But if you think about it, how is playing a strategy game where you need to thin

I had a rather interesting experience over the last weekend. About a year ago I was contacted on the modeling website to be part of the movie. The movie called “bounty hunter war”, okay I knew it was  a low budget movie, but I agree to be a part of it anyways. It was an interesting concept,  so to make a long story short, last month I got a call with the dates when shooting of the movie will be going on. I was told that I will be shooting for 2 days, over the weekend since I work during the week. Last time I saw the producer and we were discussing the wardrobe he wanted me to wear a wedding dress. I had few problems with that dress. For one It was really fugly, he said that he was going to redo it, but when the time came….no such luck. I simply refused to be seen in it, I did  not even wear a wedding dress for my own wedding, so why would I even consider wearing one for the shoot. I can almost understand if that dress was pretty….so I started brainstorming and remembered that my niece

Every parents dream is for their child to have a better life than what they had. Parents are teaching their children what they know, the way it was presented to them by their parents. When child grows up he or she may take parent’s lifestyle or something totally different, if they have conflicts with parents or just don’t agree with parental lifestyle. I spend a wonderful weekend with my husband and my friend, and then when I was able to turn my phone on I was bombarded with voice mails from my mother in-law. She is suffering from paranoia and is sure that she knows some very important secret and she is a keeper of that secret. If she will leave her house someone will kill her and then kill all of us, so she feels that she is protecting us. She sees danger in everything and it gets to the point where it is distractive. She drove crazy my parents, my son, and her sister with her husband. My husband was less than amused when he had to deal with it. That made me think. I took

Love is like a bird. You can't keep it locked up in the cage, even if it is a golden one, and when you hold the bird in your hand, you need to give it some room to breathe, otherwise the bird will suffocate. It's about holding on tight, but not too tight. How hard or how easy is it to see this fine line? There are different types of love. First love, love between partners, parental love, love between siblings, love towards things. Today I want to talk about parental love. Parenting does not come with an instruction manual. It would be just too easy if it did. Why do people have kids? I had my son when I was 22, I married when I was 18, and we decided to live few years for ourselves, then have a kid. At some point in my life the desire taken me over so completely, that I was looking at every baby, and every pregnant woman with gooey eyes and counting days till I am ovulating, till we can make a baby. Desire has nothing to do with reasoning. So what was the reason for wanti

I eat my two peaches for lunch yesterday, and then hiccups started. I can't just sit at my desk and suffer it all by myself, I call my husband. I leave him a funny voice mail, and get one in return, and he is laughing his ass off. I call him, he is laughing. He tells me, try to drink some water, see if it will help, I do so, with no result. He says “oh I just need to scare you, BOOOOO”, no I am still hiccupping. Then he starts telling about a girl he was talking to on OkCupid. Still hiccuping in the background. Ok, I was the first one to create a profile there, I just needed someone to talk to, and I just wanted communication. I like talking to different people about sex, about life, etc. So he tells me that he was talking to this girl, and she sounded interested in him, and if I don't mind if they met for sex. Sharp intake of breath clears all the hiccups instantly. "No, I don't mind at all" - I manage to say. I am sitting with a phone to my ear, able to br

Every friendship is a relationship. The word “Friend” – it says so much and so little. We use this word so freely, sometimes we say “friend” when we talk about someone we just met, because you can't introduce some one as “here meet Bob, he is my acquaintance”  it sounds so much better when you say “Meet my friend Bob”.  When does a person cross the line going from an acquaintance to a friend?  I don't think anyone can answer that question. I do know that once you start talking about something that makes you feel vulnerable than a person gets a “Friend” status, because you will just not be talking about personal things with someone you just met. But then again, it is always easier to spill your soul to someone you don’t know and will never meet, then someone close, because you are afraid of being judged. And the older you get the harder it is to make friends.  When my husband turns on one of his games and the screen reads “You have no friends” it looks so sad. And then I r

I was supposed to see my Master friend today – it's Friday. I have not called to confirm, I am waiting, I am not really sure I want to go. I turn to my Tarot cards and ask a question. As I am shuffling a card falls out, and I interpret it as a message. I proceed to shuffle, and I get my answer as a NO. So I am already planning on how I will be calling him when I am half way home, and telling him that I totally forgot. Ten minutes later he sends me a text with a reminder, I exhausted every excuse. So I go and see my Master friend right after work. After all we did agree to meet every Friday for my training.  Came over, we talked, chilled, talked some more until the moment when I heard someone was opening the front door. That was his new Slave. A very smart, intelligent overweight and tired looking attorney. She was living with my Master friend for the past 3 month. She was recovering from her very bad marriage that lasted 20 years. All three of us are sitting and talking a

Why do you need to make an effort, what is it for, who needs it? What does it mean to make an effort in the relationship? In my understanding it means that I need to go out of my way to please someone else, or to do something for my partner. It could be a simple online research, or as complicated as learning a new language if your partner does not speak yours. Any relationship is a give and take, it's kinda like a child’s see saw game where one kid is on one side of the board, and another one is on the opposite – one person cannot play this game alone. And if one kid is bigger than the other, he needs to make an effort not to sit down to fast, so the other one will not get airborne. It all depends on you, since you are the only one responsible for your actions and choices. Every day you make a choice, and every choice has consequences. My husband said that he will make an effort to learn something that interests me, but he said that he will learn it only if it's delivered

My friend/boss called me today to ask a question. As soon as he heard my “Good morning!” I felt him smile. He proceeded to ask how I was - “Fantastic!” was my reply. He started laughing. And complimented me on my always great attitude. Even if my mood is not great, I am always answer the phone like I was just sitting and waiting for my “friend” to call me. And people love talking to me on the phone, even if they call wrong number, lol Good attitude is a choice, and many of us choose to be miserable, and then they wonder why they are feeling so miserable, it all starts with that first Good morning and the first smile that you give yourself when you look in the mirror. Your all day is pretty much defined by that. I agree, there are some good days and some bad days. Have you noticed that when you are in a bad mood people shy away from you, and when you are smiling and beaming you become like a people magnet. People want to spend time with you, and don't want to leave. That could

When you keep a feeling locked up inside of you for the fear of it coming out and hurting someone you love you only hurt yourself. I woke up very depressed on Friday, it was almost physical pain, and it felt like I had extra 20 pounds to carry around. I was trying to shake it off, and it was just weighing me down like a stone tied to my ankle and pulling me down to the depth of the dark, cold water. I knew deep down the exact reason for this horrible feeling, but it was not formed into the words yet. I was trying to mute it, I did not want to hear it, but my conscious would not allow it to be ignored. When I came in to work, I thought it would be easier for me to push it down, the next thing I knew I was typing away in my blog, and that’s how my previous post was born. The feelings were just pouring out of me like a vomit trying to get rid of the poison in the body. It helped me a lot, when I was finished writing I felt lighter, but the deep feeling of dread did not go away. I co

When you start a relationship with swing it's hard to get away from it. It's kinda always there. Even if you wake up one day and announce to your partner “I think I am done, I just want you and nobody else” in your partners mind it creates a void, like there was something there and now it is gone. Kinda like if you have a wart on your finger and you are so used to having it, and you had it for 20 years, and finally you decide to get rid of that wart and have enough guts to go to the doctor and cut the damn thing off. The next day you wake up feeling that spot and missing it, you can no longer play with it, draw funny faces on it, it can longer bring you comfort when you touch under stress - it's just gone and not coming back. You realize it that it's so far gone that there is a scar that is going to remind you of what you lost. I think swing or “Alternative lifestyle” as some call it can be compared with a wart. There is always that chance that the wart might come ba

How well do we know our partners? After I asked my husband to prepare a salad for us for dinner I realized that we have a problem. So I found a great quote today while I was looking for a questionnaire to take with me on a surprise vacation with my husband. “When a man is trying to win the heart of a woman, he studies her. He learns her likes, dislikes, habits and hobbies. But after he wins her heart and marries her, he often stops learning about her. If the amount he studied her before marriage was equal to a high school degree, he should continue to learn about her until he gains a college degree, a master’s degree and ultimately a doctorate degree. It is a lifelong journey that draws his heart ever closer to hers.” – Fireproof (the movie) What can possibly be wrong with a salad, all it is just some cut up veggies. When I left to see my friend, I left him a big tomato, and onion and asked him to cut it. When I got home there were 3 piles on the big plate. Two piles of tomatoes

It is such a pleasure to cook, or prepare meals (in my case) for someone who will appreciate it. Yesterday I created a Taco Salad, put all ingredients on the counter, took pictures, and was taking pictures to show all the step by step instructions. I was really enjoying the process, it was creative and relaxing. After it was all done my hubby and I set down to eat, and I remembered how his ex-wife would ask him if he liked the dish she cooked for dinner, and his standard reply was “I am eating it, aren't I”. When I make food I put a lot of my energy and thought into it. At first I have to plan, then at the store I have to pick out all the right ingredients and make sure that they are all organic, then I have to create the dish that I planned on doing, and see how I can improve it. It's a creative process. It's not as simple as dumping veggies on the plate. And when I am done preparing this food with love, I really want to be complimented on it. If I am not getting any

I was thinking, I always say that I don’t judge, and pride myself for it. But it's not true, it's total BS. We all judge, always and everyone, starting from the one person that should never be judged – self. We judge ourselves on how we look, how we dress and what we do, how we eat. When I come to someone’s house I look around, compare and judge. Is it cleaner than mine? Is the air fresh, does it have any odors? What furniture do they have? But most of all I judge on the looks, most of the time I don’t even realize it myself. I just started talking to a girl online via dating site. She started the conversation, I answered. I don’t care what a person look like when we talk, I have lots of friends, and I don’t have to be attracted to them. We talked about sex, food, husbands, shopping, etc. Had a conversation for about half a day and she invited me over, she said that she wanted to wine and dine me, and maybe later I would put on a show for her and her husband. I went to look

I have been considering sex industry for the main income for a very long time. Sex sells, and always will. I thought about working as a stripper – high heels kill my feet. Thought about being a waitress at the strip club – I am more of a morning person, and the money is not nearly as good as being a stripper. Thought about a porn site, even started working on the content, after one week of constant shooting I gave up on that idea – it was too much, too fast, and you don't see the money “now”, it's only later, but I would still have to shoot a lot more, it was exhausting. By that point I just ran out of ideas and started looking for a 9-5 job. That was ten years ago, when I left my husband and was living with my parents. I really feel like I was having a “round 2”, when I stayed with my parents for a week. Let’s see if we can combine sex industry with BDSM. Yes I am still tripping on the “Bondassage” idea. On Friday I went to see my Master friend, agreed that I will see hi

I have a good amount of friends, only few are very close. I share my life details with them, and everyone is always eager to help out with an advice. Last night I had a conversation with my husband about his lack of participation in our mutual life. As I was lying in bed, thinking, and rerunning the conversation in my mind I had a vision of my brain divided in quarters, and each one was buzzing with its own logic, insisting I listen to it. First quarter had my mom's voice. Why are you doing all the work? Stop, don’t do that, he needs to help you, make a list and divide all chorus, get everyone involved. Marriage is a partnership, no one should be responsible for everything! Delegate! Second quarter had a voice of my NY friends. Tell your son to talk to your husband, both of them should clean the house while you are at work as a surprise. Then reward your husband for it. Surprise him with some beer and dried fish. Just keep talking to him, eventually he will understand. He

Few days ago I came across a new subject that grabbed my attention. It's called “Bondassage” – it's a sensual massage with light bondage with elements of BDSM. BDSM – Bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, sadism & masochism. BDSM is never black & white, there are many shades of gray in between, and it has been pulling me in, like a magnet for a very long time. I see an erotic scene and I want to participate, and I want my partner to play with me, or I will watch some hard core porn – and I am freaked out over it. But the reaction is what is important for me. When people find themselves in that environment they seem more open and honest. I have a Master friend who lives BDSM 24/7 and I came to him for an advice. He said that I don’t need to pay all that money to learn something that he can teach, and he said that it's just a fancy name for the same old stuff. Me, being super exited as I see this an opportunity to make a living, a very comfor

I had a very intense conversation with my parents last night. It all started after dinner, for a last few month an episode from my childhood came up in my memory lane, and it was disturbing me emotionally. When I was like 8 or 9 I forgot to take my keys. What child at that age can remember everything? So I told my mom about it, and I told her that I was going to stay with my friend, who lived in the same apartment building on the first floor. Everything was going great, until I heard a knock on the door, and I was greeted with a very angry father. I knew I was in trouble once I saw his face, he was pissed, he yelled at me that he wanted to stay late at work, and now he had to rush home to save a “damsel in distress”. To me – I was totally fine, I could have waited another 2 hours, what do I care… but no, I guess he had to make a point of picking me up and putting it in my face. So we go upstairs, we lived on the 4th floor, and he is fuming, and telling me that a beating is in order.

I had a wonderful evening yesterday with my friend. I came over to her house, thinking we will have our usual tea date, upon arrival I was pleasantly surprised to see my brother there, and his friend (our relative). Since I was not alone either - took my baby Athena with me, I asked her to join me for a walk her. Went out, exchanged news that happen in the last week, since we saw each other. She got a new job, and had few more interviews lined up for her, that was great news. I told her that I moved in with my parents for a week, and that was an explanation of why the puppy was with me. Once we got back to her house, my brother's friend left and it was just the 3 of us playing with a puppy, my brother was eating a salad and sharing his tomatoes with Athena, so we all ended up in the kitchen, he looks at me and with a "it’s not really that important" voice said "I know you are little more open to this than all our other relatives, so I wanted to share something w

Yesterday I packed my bags, took my little dog and went to my parents house. Right after I was smothered with kisses, mom asked me "what would you like me to make you for dinner" OMG I don't remember when was the last time I heard those words. It made me feel soft and fuzzy inside. Even though it was just my parents, Athena - my dog and me, it felt very hectic, so I decided to take Athena for a walk to unwind and clear my head. Let me tell you, it worked like a charm. By the time I got back, my bag with provisions was empties and all the stuff put away, and the dinner was being made. I agreed on having and egg salad with radishes with my dad, mom already eat before I got there. Dinner was nice and quiet, all the hell broke loose right after. I like electronics, my dad LOVES electronics, every chance I get I buy him stuff for holidays and birthdays. Considering his birthday was only last week I got him a watch for his phone. So for two hours my dad was walking behind m

I was talking to my friend from NY on Friday, and he offered for me to spend few days there, take a break from my life at home. It was a very thoughtful offer, considering that I am always with my husband, and I thought that it would not be such a bad idea to take a much needed break. Than I had an even better idea - why not take a week off from home, I can stay with my parents, good thing they live only 5 minutes away from me. I was little worried about presenting this idea to my lovely husband, but when I did, he seemed pretty excited himself about it.  I love my parents very much, they gave me wonderful joyous childhood, a lot of love, what they did forget to give me was my youth. Let me elaborate on this one. For starters: who lets their child to marry at the age of 18? Seriously? I don't remember ever having a nice long conversation on love, sex or relationship for that matter. Why my parents did not think about it in the first place, now looking back I am terrified f

Today started out like a regular Friday, nothing special. My day started as usual with my daily routine, when I got to work, I started checking my FB to see what new posts my friends posted, and I came across one interesting post, that stirred up a lot of emotions. I actually waited till afternoon to write my post here, had to get my emotion settle, before I was able to write Here is the article in question At first what caught my eye was the word " gaslighting ", I had no clue what it meant, so I proceeded to click on the link, mind you, it was like 7:30 in the morning, and I do not drink coffee :). So I finish reading this article, and it has me almost in tears by the end of it. Ok, I do admit that I am feeling a little bit more emotional than usual at this time of the month, but still...   I am married second time around, and my first husband was verbally abusive to me, and I married him when I was 18, very impressionable at that young age. Its really hard t

My name is Dinka Doll. I went to see my friend last night and she suggested that I start a blog. Since its my first blog and my first post I guess I need to start with s simple bio. I just turned 41 a week ago, I work in the office, I am a woman, I model, I am a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a caretaker... when I am at work I call myself OB - stands for an office bitch. Yes I believe I earned that title. I even put it on my business cards, lol. Yes, I did have few people ask me what it stands for. But I dont really want to talk about my work right now as its a bit of a painful subject and I am currently in denial and would like to remain there for a while. Life...well I guess another reason for this blog is to find my voice, even if it is in print. My ex husband always told me how stupid I was, so I just kept quiet, my second husband talks so much, that I dont even have a spot to enter my comments sometimes.