I did not know we were poor.

I had a very intense conversation with my parents last night. It all started after dinner, for a last few month an episode from my childhood came up in my memory lane, and it was disturbing me emotionally. When I was like 8 or 9 I forgot to take my keys. What child at that age can remember everything? So I told my mom about it, and I told her that I was going to stay with my friend, who lived in the same apartment building on the first floor. Everything was going great, until I heard a knock on the door, and I was greeted with a very angry father. I knew I was in trouble once I saw his face, he was pissed, he yelled at me that he wanted to stay late at work, and now he had to rush home to save a “damsel in distress”. To me – I was totally fine, I could have waited another 2 hours, what do I care… but no, I guess he had to make a point of picking me up and putting it in my face. So we go upstairs, we lived on the 4th floor, and he is fuming, and telling me that a beating is in order. Once we are inside, he makes me lay on my bed face down, lifts my skirt and spanks me with a long ruler. I was begging him not to do that, I was crying, it did not feel good. I felt violated, betrayed by the person I loved the most, and my ass hurt on the top of all that. I do have to say that I have never forgot my key at the house since that episode. And I don’t remember what happen after that. But the fact that over 30 years later it came back to haunt me, it bothered me. So I finally had enough guts to come out and ask him about it. I did expect him to say that he did not remember, but I really wanted acknowledgment of my feelings. Instead my mother started talking.

Yes, I know how much they love me. I know that they had to go through a lot when my mother was pregnant – that shows real dedication. She spend all nine month lying in bed with bricks under the side where feet are. So she said, sorry about that, but let me give you an example. And here is her story.

She was born in 1950. She was one of the twins, she was the “evil” twin, they do not look alike, and my mother was born 20 minutes earlier. She said that she has a feeling that grandmother gave birth to her to be used. “Mom, what do you mean used?” Well, grandma always gave all the best to her sister, and my mom had to pick up a slack, if there are groceries to be carried, my mom had to carry the load. Grandfather did not really participate in bringing up the children. So most of the burden was on grandmother, I did not hear many stories on the older two children, grandmother had 4. When they got older, nothing changed, my mom never felt like she was a loved child, her sister was getting better clothes, better care, and better food. Those two could not be any more different. My mother was spending all her free time shooting rifle at the firing range, while her sister was playing a piano. My mother had to work for everything herself, while a lot of thing were handed over to her sister. I guess this will be the root of the animosity between them. I could never understand why my mother hates her twin, but it's kinda not her fault that my grandmother had more love for one and not for the other. I do have to say that I LOVE my aunty, she is wonderful, she is gorgeous, stylish, and very sexy. And when I talk about my brother – that’s her son.

So back to the real subject, now since I have laid down some background, mother said that we were really poor. I could not believe my ears. Mom, we took one month vacations to stay by Black Sea, in Georgia every year, we always had clothes on our backs and food on the table. How did it all happen that I did not know that we did not have money? That is a very reasonable question.

- Do you remember the Potato Babka that we used to have a lot, that I would cook on Sunday and we would eat all week?” – She said.
- Yes, and it was very delicious and I loved it
- Well, we had it because potatoes were so cheep
- We had meat, we had a dog
- Yes we did buy chicken (it was more expensive than beef), but it was mostly for you, we would only eat a little bit, like a wing, the rest was yours
- We had clothes on our backs
- Yes we did, I had only one coat and I wore it for 15 years, I wore my shoes for about 10 years
- Mom, how could we afford such an expensive vacations?
- Because we did not spend any money. I was making 85 rubles a month, and dad was making 120.      Vacation costed 1000 rubles, so we saved up for a year.
- Why did we need to take such an expensive vacations?
- Well, you almost died when you were 2 years old, you had Meningoencephalitis, then right as you were recovering you had a really bad ear infection in both ears, and on the top of that you had double lung

Pneumonia. All that left you so weak, that you could no longer walk, your legs were just crumbling down under you, so we took you to the sea and it make you feel better, so we decided to go there every year.

Now that is real dedication! I feel really blessed having a healthy child.

But finding out all that, still does not change the subject that my parents did not prepare me for the grown up world. After all that, my mother said that she was never hiding anything from me. Wow, did I miss something? How is it that she did not hide anything from me and I had no clue about our financial situation? But even besides that, why am I still missing my self-worth? Why do I still feel I need to do more to be loved? Where did it come from? Why do I work my ass off, then come home to cook and clean and take care of my husband while he is sitting with his PlayStation remote? Why do I have no guts to bring it up, why am I so afraid? I guess those are still open questions that I need to answer on my journey to self-discovery.