I want my mommy.

I was talking to my friend from NY on Friday, and he offered for me to spend few days there, take a break from my life at home. It was a very thoughtful offer, considering that I am always with my husband, and I thought that it would not be such a bad idea to take a much needed break.

Than I had an even better idea - why not take a week off from home, I can stay with my parents, good thing they live only 5 minutes away from me. I was little worried about presenting this idea to my lovely husband, but when I did, he seemed pretty excited himself about it. 

I love my parents very much, they gave me wonderful joyous childhood, a lot of love, what they did forget to give me was my youth. Let me elaborate on this one. For starters: who lets their child to marry at the age of 18? Seriously? I don't remember ever having a nice long conversation on love, sex or relationship for that matter. Why my parents did not think about it in the first place, now looking back I am terrified for that little girl that moved out of mom's house into the unknown. My son turned 18 a year ago, and I look at him and see how young and inexperienced he is. I can respect that it was totally different life where we came from, we came from Minsk, Belarus in 1992. At that time it was totally normal to marry someone at 17 or 18, and start an adult life, but why not offer me to date a little, instead of marrying someone I knew only for 2 month! So that when it all started, in my parent's book I had to be a virgin to get married. I wanted to move out and live with my bf of 2 month (lol) separately, or at least I wanted to have my own room so I don't have to sneak around. Yes I lost my virginity to my ex husband about 3 weeks before we got married, I could no longer wait, lol. But my mother said "Daughter, once you are married - you can do what you want, until than you will stay under my roof, and sleep alone." Obviously the next logical thing to do was to go downtown, to the City Hall, and get the marriage certificate. It only takes 3 days, that was one of the most simple tasks I have ever done. Parents come home from their English class one day and my new husband opens the door for them and says: "Hi Mom, hi Dad". It was all down the hill from there. Hello responsibility, hello husband, hello my new life for the next 12 years. 

After I left my ex in 2005, I moved in with my parents once again. I was a 30 years old with an eight year old child living with parents, with no job and sleeping with a business partner, who is my best friend's ex husband. I only lived with my parents for 6 month. In the 6 month I was able to find a job, find a house and move in with my former business partner. As far as our business goes - the only thing we had left from it was a huge printer, bankruptcy and a rat in a 10 gallon tank.  

For some reason the older I get the more things I remember from my childhood. I guess that all because I am trying to figure out who is the real ME? I am different at work, I am different at home, I am totally different when I am with my parents, and altogether different when I am modeling. Our childhood has everything to do with who we grow into when we reach certain age, and that is where one need to look for answers. I could never understand why all the shrinks start the conversation "let's talk about your parents" in all the movies. Now it makes perfect sense to me. I have no problems with my self esteem, but I recently discovered that I have major problems with my self worth. I am really hoping that staying at my parents this week will open some doors on communication, something that was missing so many years ago. One of the few questions I want to ask them will be: why they did not prepare me for an adult life and relationship. I can totally understand that they could not really give me much advice on sex, as that was a totally closed subject. But with the rest of it I am really hoping to get some answers.   

Another thing that I am trying to accomplish with this week is - I need some rest, I am exhausted from taking of everybody, and I want to feel taken care of for a change. I want the tables to turn. I have taken care of my parents since we left Russia and came to America. My mother just refused to learn English, so I had to go to many appointments, and spend countless hours on the phone translating back and forth for them.

Besides that, I think it will be good for my husband to take care of himself and the dogs for a while. 

I want to see a little consideration from him, and little understanding that things do not take care of themselves, somebody has to do it. One of my concerns is  that he will not bother doing anything at all, I know that he will not bother making himself dinner, I would love to give him benefit of the doubt that he will take care of the grass, but I would not be betting money on it.