Black & White Life

Few days ago I came across a new subject that grabbed my attention. It's called “Bondassage” – it's a sensual massage with light bondage with elements of BDSM.

BDSM – Bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, sadism & masochism.

BDSM is never black & white, there are many shades of gray in between, and it has been pulling me in, like a magnet for a very long time. I see an erotic scene and I want to participate, and I want my partner to play with me, or I will watch some hard core porn – and I am freaked out over it. But the reaction is what is important for me. When people find themselves in that environment they seem more open and honest.

I have a Master friend who lives BDSM 24/7 and I came to him for an advice. He said that I don’t need to pay all that money to learn something that he can teach, and he said that it's just a fancy name for the same old stuff. Me, being super exited as I see this an opportunity to make a living, a very comfortable living I had to talk to my husband to make sure that we are on the same page. Last time I brought up the subject of BDSM he was totally not into it, and nothing changed for him since. I was making one huge mistake before – I was trying to make him understand and follow me, and it only created a huge conflict. Having an open relationship it was agreed upon that we share everything. If he is not into it – than how can I share? What would he think of me? how will he react if I will tell him that I was tied down and enjoyed it very much when he does not even want to hear anything? It was ”shorting my brain circuit”: how can I have it all? Last time it almost lead me to a nervous breakdown and he was acting like a jealous husband and he have never done that before. So I had to stop talking to my friend, my family always come first. With that my mood was going down, I did not feel complete satisfaction, I was feeling misunderstood and hurt. Why does a person I love not even want to give it a try? So I completely gave up on my dreams and desires to explore. I learned how to live with it, when you block something out of your mind long enough, it stops bothering you at the end.  I learned very well how to live in denial.

Now with this new information it awoken my sleeping desires, and put me back on the same boat. So realizing my mistake from before, I decided that I need is to separate the two worlds – it will be white one with my vanilla husband, and a black one with my Master friend. I had to explain to him that I will no longer be telling him all the details of the sessions, because you can't learn without experiencing this for yourself. It's like learning to drive a car from the manual without physically doing it, and he understood and we came to the agreement that it can be accomplished, and I can share only what I want to share, only what I think will make him turned on.

It was about six month since I saw my Master friend, last time he shook my comfortable life, and it is still making waves. He point blank looked into my eyes and said:

-          - You know that your relationship is over? It actually been over for quite some time.  

-         -  What do you mean? – I said, with my eye wide open

-          - You have been taking care of everything, you support your family financially, and you take care of the house, what does your husband do? What did he do while you worked your ass off at the dealership for a year?

I had nothing to say, I cried. Nobody ever said anything like that to me, I don’t complain often, and when you are doing things that you are so used to doing, you stop noticing how you pick up the slack and don't realize that you are doing all the work while your significant other is enjoying himself playing games. I brought it up to my husband, but I made a mistake, it came out like it was from my Master friend, which it kinda was. And that was the core of the conflicts, I was mad, he was confused to why I am mad. It's been working for the past ten years, why does it no longer work? And it did not stop till I took my Master friend out of the equation and I went back to doing all the things myself.  That brought me back to the same place where we started, I was no longer blind as to what is going on, and doing everything was making me crazy and very irritable, and that was what brought me to spend a week in my parents’ house.

This time around I am really hoping I will be doing things right and will be able to separate the two worlds that I care about.