Judgements

I was thinking, I always say that I don’t judge, and pride myself for it. But it's not true, it's total BS. We all judge, always and everyone, starting from the one person that should never be judged – self. We judge ourselves on how we look, how we dress and what we do, how we eat. When I come to someone’s house I look around, compare and judge. Is it cleaner than mine? Is the air fresh, does it have any odors? What furniture do they have? But most of all I judge on the looks, most of the time I don’t even realize it myself. I just started talking to a girl online via dating site. She started the conversation, I answered. I don’t care what a person look like when we talk, I have lots of friends, and I don’t have to be attracted to them. We talked about sex, food, husbands, shopping, etc. Had a conversation for about half a day and she invited me over, she said that she wanted to wine and dine me, and maybe later I would put on a show for her and her husband. I went to look at her pictures once again, and the first thing that I saw that she was not as skinny and bony as me and my hubby. And without giving it another thought I turned her down. I felt like a real snobby bitch. I am sitting with my phone in my hands, and thinking – why did I not even given it another thought? She might be an amazing person with a wonderful personality and fantastic in bed, and I am just going to dismiss the possibility of finding that out just because she did not fit my “standard”.

I was sitting with my phone in my hand all proud and mighty on the way I let her down so gently without hurting her feelings, but once I read her reply I was beginning to feel like an ignorant bitch, who is only skin deep. She was a “bigger man” and not in a direct meaning of it. She did not get upset, she did not judge me, like I did her. And this is what she wrote me “Oh I see well yea I’m not skinny but never boring if you’re open later let us know, it’s hard to judge a person by texting, our chemistry I feel is great we both laughing and sharing great conversations this hard to ignore”

She was just so real, so down to earth and it was really refreshing. Maybe that’s the reason that I am not getting any luck in meeting new people. People that I like are not available and people that I would not even consider giving time of the day are the nicest and the most genuine people you can possible meet. And I am sitting as I type this and I think to myself “what the hell is wrong with me” who influenced me to be like that? When did I become like this? I know my husband is very judgmental, even though he always says that he is not. He will judge a person only because he or she is 20-30 pounds overweight. But I think that weight is the only thing that he would be judgmental about. Sexual orientation and kinks does not matter, money does not matter, size of the house – does not matter, its only appearance that makes the difference.

Very recently I met my sister’s boyfriend, and after about a month he proposed to her, and was declaring his undying love for her. Granted, he does need to marry someone with citizenship to be able to stay in the US, but love after a month? He is 9 years younger than she is, and from what she told me I did not like him at all, right from the start. After spending a weekend camping together, I could not stand him. He is from south of what used to be considered Russia (nobody really knows geography so I will not bore anyone with details) and his first language was not Russian. He could barely speak, I did not see him as intelligent because he could not put 3 words in one sentence. I judged him, I did not like him for my sister, and she is way to intelligent, big hearted and kind for anyone to take advantage of her. Few weeks later I spoke on the phone with her and she was telling me that he had to go back home to take care of his sick mother. Anyone who will drop everything and will run to take care of your loved one is alright in my book. Once again I feel like I out my foot in my mouth.