Sex sells, sexual ignorance

I have been considering sex industry for the main income for a very long time. Sex sells, and always will. I thought about working as a stripper – high heels kill my feet. Thought about being a waitress at the strip club – I am more of a morning person, and the money is not nearly as good as being a stripper. Thought about a porn site, even started working on the content, after one week of constant shooting I gave up on that idea – it was too much, too fast, and you don't see the money “now”, it's only later, but I would still have to shoot a lot more, it was exhausting. By that point I just ran out of ideas and started looking for a 9-5 job. That was ten years ago, when I left my husband and was living with my parents.

I really feel like I was having a “round 2”, when I stayed with my parents for a week. Let’s see if we can combine sex industry with BDSM. Yes I am still tripping on the “Bondassage” idea. On Friday I went to see my Master friend, agreed that I will see him once a week. That will be a very good start to get myself into BDSM community and start learning things that interest me. On Sunday I was able to talk to one of the trainers of “Bondassage” and I was really impressed with her. She is same age as me, she has all her shit together. She has been doing this for about 5 years, and has a very comfortable living doing it. That’s her main way of income, she also does classes, teaches, and doing some other related things. I had to ask her to explain why the classes are so damn expensive – she had a good answer for it. “If a client goes on the site and will see what is involved and how much it costs to become a Bondassage therapist, then they will value your work a lot higher than if they will just see your ad on Backpage” and I will get a different clientele. Yes, it does make sense and since I picked November dates for my training it will give me enough time to learn with my Master friend and to make a final decision if I that is what I want to do “when I grow up”.

While I was doing all the research on Bondassage I came across some very interesting and valuable information on how to have more pleasure with a partner. So me, being all excited I decided to share this information with my husband. I was already looking forward to watching those few videos together, discussing them and implementing. I was taken aback when I heard his reply “why do you think I need to learn something? I am a perfect lover, I know everything, and don't I make you cum really hard? Why are you insulting me with those stupid ideas?” WTF? I never said that he was bad or doing something wrong, but if there is more pleasure to be had, I want to have it, and I want to give it in return. 

There are different way to get to your destination. You can take a drive in your car, take a bus, boat, airplane, or just a very speedy car. That what I was trying to make him comprehend. I don't understand, did I put him so high up on the pedestal that he does not see anything besides him? Where did I go wrong? I had to swallow my pride and disappointment and try to explain to him my point. I am really hoping that he understood me and where I was coming from, but on the other hand he still did not say “ok, let’s watch those videos together, since it's important to you”. Am I expecting miracles? In my understanding it was a blow below the belt. He was only concerned about his feelings without considering mine. At what point in the relationship one person gets so engrossed into self that he forgets that he is not the only one who matters? Do I take a blame for it, for creating a “monster”, for putting him in front of me and that resulting in him to slowly take advantage of me? If I do, it puts me in mind set that I only deserve love when I do something for a person who I want to receive love from. If I love a person, I always tend to care for them and give them everything I have, all my time, my love, my strength – what do I get in return? The shorter end of the stick. How can I break this never ending circle? How can I learn to love myself more, where I don't have to prove anything to anyone and stop letting people take advantage of me.

At this point I have more questions than answers. But at least I am on the right path, where I am at least asking those questions, instead of living in ignorance.