Be kind to yourself.

When you keep a feeling locked up inside of you for the fear of it coming out and hurting someone you love you only hurt yourself. I woke up very depressed on Friday, it was almost physical pain, and it felt like I had extra 20 pounds to carry around. I was trying to shake it off, and it was just weighing me down like a stone tied to my ankle and pulling me down to the depth of the dark, cold water. I knew deep down the exact reason for this horrible feeling, but it was not formed into the words yet. I was trying to mute it, I did not want to hear it, but my conscious would not allow it to be ignored.

When I came in to work, I thought it would be easier for me to push it down, the next thing I knew I was typing away in my blog, and that’s how my previous post was born. The feelings were just pouring out of me like a vomit trying to get rid of the poison in the body. It helped me a lot, when I was finished writing I felt lighter, but the deep feeling of dread did not go away. I could no longer live pretending, I did not want to lie to myself. I did not know what to do, but I knew that I had to change something. I did not want a relationship with someone who is so wrapped up in denial and himself that has no room for me. I reached the rock bottom, I could not fall any lower than that.

Right as I was finishing my last post I get a call from my husband. He wanted to cheer me up, he had a feeling on what was wrong, but he was not ready to admit it to himself. He asked me how I was. I was going to be strong, I was not going to cry, and I wanted to talk to him when I got home face to face. He decided to have that conversation before lunch. I no longer cared about sparing his feelings. I told him that I no longer want to live like that. I deserve to be with someone who does not need to “hunt” other women to get excited to be with me, who will work as much as me to keep relationship alive. I cried, I did not want to, it was just my body’s reaction. He was trying to explain that he loves me, I am the only one, but no amounts of words could change how I felt, he needed to feel the pain he caused me, so I told him that I will send him email with my previous post and if he does not understand me after reading that, we have no business to be together.

He read my email, he finally felt my pain. He was no longer the same, he wanted to change for me. At this point I don't know how long it will last before he will fall into his normal state. But it felt great to be finally seen, acknowledged and understood. Actions speak louder than words, so I will just have to wait.