Open marriage is the best a cure for hiccups

I eat my two peaches for lunch yesterday, and then hiccups started. I can't just sit at my desk and suffer it all by myself, I call my husband. I leave him a funny voice mail, and get one in return, and he is laughing his ass off. I call him, he is laughing. He tells me, try to drink some water, see if it will help, I do so, with no result. He says “oh I just need to scare you, BOOOOO”, no I am still hiccupping. Then he starts telling about a girl he was talking to on OkCupid. Still hiccuping in the background. Ok, I was the first one to create a profile there, I just needed someone to talk to, and I just wanted communication. I like talking to different people about sex, about life, etc. So he tells me that he was talking to this girl, and she sounded interested in him, and if I don't mind if they met for sex. Sharp intake of breath clears all the hiccups instantly. "No, I don't mind at all" - I manage to say.

I am sitting with a phone to my ear, able to breathe now, since the damn hiccups are no longer bothering me and feeling all sorts of emotions. Am I sure I don't mind? That’s a loaded question. I am not really sure how to answer it to myself. Am I jealous? I don’t think so. I am not a monogamous person, that’s for sure, as I have a habit of sleeping with my coworkers. But I wait for something to happen, I have never looked for someone to have sex with, and I have never been with someone I don't know on a date. What am I talking about? – I just simply never dated, oh wait, I dated my ex-husband for 2 month when I was 16. With my brain I understand that an open marriage means that your partner is having sex with someone else, just like I do. But my body is reacting totally different, I can't have double standards. How does he feel when I go out and shoot nude pictures and then a photographer hits on me. He says he does not care, that’s in his brain, but how does he really feel about his wife doing those things. I know when I had my thing with a coworker at the dealership he was less than amused with it, but every time was so short lived and fast and we never really had time to relax and enjoy the moment. It was fun because of the rush and fear of getting caught.


I feel like I am just looking for an excuse and justification that it's ok for me and not for him. But I don't want to feel that way. It is not fair to him, or is this where I should go out and fuck somebody I don't know and see how it feels for him and for me? The thought is bothersome to me. I am not afraid to lose him, I am not afraid that he will like her more than me. I think here plays the role that I am a lot more sexual than he is and I am always looking for more sex. I think I am afraid that if he will have sex with her he will be too tired to play with me. On the other hand it's is a turn on, and I know that the situation will make him more horny than he have been in a long time, so I would be benefiting from it as well. So what is behind the real reason that is making my stomach churn? Am I subconsciously afraid to admit something to myself? 

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