Toxic Love

Love is like a bird. You can't keep it locked up in the cage, even if it is a golden one, and when you hold the bird in your hand, you need to give it some room to breathe, otherwise the bird will suffocate. It's about holding on tight, but not too tight. How hard or how easy is it to see this fine line? There are different types of love. First love, love between partners, parental love, love between siblings, love towards things. Today I want to talk about parental love.

Parenting does not come with an instruction manual. It would be just too easy if it did. Why do people have kids? I had my son when I was 22, I married when I was 18, and we decided to live few years for ourselves, then have a kid. At some point in my life the desire taken me over so completely, that I was looking at every baby, and every pregnant woman with gooey eyes and counting days till I am ovulating, till we can make a baby. Desire has nothing to do with reasoning. So what was the reason for wanting to bring another life into this world? When I saw that I was failing in getting my husband to stop smoking and drinking, I decided that bringing a child would change his destructive behavior. I was little over 20 at the time. We have met when I was 16 and he was 20, and I hated his smoking. He was Jewish, slender, cute, and was moving to the same country as me – USA, and that was enough for me think that he will make a good husband. So I stupidly thought that if my dad quit smoking for my mom, getting my new husband to quit smoking should not be that hard either. Who wants to kiss an ashtray? I knew that his parents liked to drink, but I had no idea that my future husband was a future alcoholic. So that was my reasoning behind bringing a new life into this world. The reasoning may not be right one, but I have never regretted my decision. I have a wonderful relationship with my son.   

The question is still open. Why did my mother have me? I have never asked her that question. I am guessing that she would just say that they wanted to have a child, to have a full standard family.

Every time I bring up a question regarding my emotional state I get one answer. “Your life was great, you had everything, and we love you so much, but let me tell you how much I suffered in my childhood. “But I did not ask to be born, I have feelings that go far beyond hunger. If my father punished me, I wanted him to admit it, apologize and acknowledge my feelings, and not just say that he does not remember and walk away from me and hide behind his computer.  I want them to understand that I am not here on this planet to make them happy. I have feelings and emotions and they are just as valuable as theirs. I feel like my parents don't really care how I feel as long as I am not hungry and healthy. When they ask how are you, all they want to hear is a validation that I am great. How can a mother never bother herself with personal questions? I asked her that.

-         - I always know what is going on with you, and I always know what you are thinking, so I don't have to ask. I think it's unethical to ask those questions. – was her reply

-          -Mom, how old was I when I lost my virginity? – Control question.

-          -When you were with your boyfriend that left for Israel, so we figured if you will get pregnant then we will just have to raise the child.

My jaw dropped, and I was speechless, I was 15 at that time. So now my mother thinks that I am a slut. Considering that she called me a whore when I was 13 for sitting on the guys knees instead of the cold bench, what else can I expect? At that time virginity was like a prized possession, and I waited till I was 18, and lost it 3 weeks before we eloped. When my son lost his, I knew it right away.

With all their declared love, why does my relationship with parents feels so empty and cold? Why am I always working on validating my existence when I did not ask to be born? Why do I feel like it's my fault that my mother suffered when she was pregnant with me? They made me feel responsible for bringing them to US and that’s why I am stuck translating everything. I have done that for 23 years. Speaking of feeling used and not getting anything in return. How can I start loving myself and stop feeling responsible for my parents? Why do I always feel that I have to put on a happy face when my father calls me? Why does my father is looking for emotional validation with me instead of giving it to me? How is it that I feel loved, but so empty?