Good Mother, bad Mother

Interesting how a lot of my posts end up being about my parenting and my parents in particular.

I talk to my parents over Skype every day, it's more like a ritual at this point. My dad calls me and we exchange news. Most of the time, for the most part it comes down to casual chatting. I am always in the kitchen, making dinner when we talk, so my dad, and mom get to see me make dinner. The other day I went to see them, and saw that they had soup, so I suggested that she uses vegetable broth for cooking instead of regular water for richer taste. So when I was talking to my parent my mom starts giving me lecture on how bad the broth is, because it sits in the closed container on the shelf. So I took the broth out, and read all the ingredients to her, to me it did not sound bad at all, because it was all organic, and I was using it for making food for my dogs. Long story short, I told my mother that it was not for me, it was for the dogs, because she should remember that I have never liked soup.

This is where it gets interesting. 

-          -  Well, I don’t know what you guys eat, I don’t really know you – mom replied.

-         -  Mom, you see me make dinner every day, and you know that I don’t like soup, and besides, why you don’t know me? Why you never ask me personal questions? Why you never get involved in my life?

-          - That’s because I don’t need it, I know you very well, I feel you, and I feel your emotions.

-          -  Didn’t you just say that you don’t know her? – my dad joins in

I can already see that this conversation is not going to end well, so we finish up and I hang up the phone.

Me, being a mother myself, I want to know what is going on with my son, I want to be a part of his life, yes, I ask many uncomfortable questions, but I much rather know, then just stay on the outskirts of his life and live in denial that everything is great. Maybe if my mother bothered asking me more personal questions and try to participate in my life, not just like a MOTHER, but also my friend, I would not be stuck in the bad marriage for 10 years of my life.

I am not saying that I am a perfect mother, actually quite the opposite. After talking to my mother, my son came home from work, and I told him about the conversation I had with his grandma. He did not really have much to add to that. After he went to his room, Vik and I continued the conversation, and I started feeling bad for not being a better mother. Like I would offer my son food, with something he is allergic to, as a good mother I should not be doing things like that, and it got me really upset to the point of tears. My son should not have to ask for an ingredient list before eating something I made. At this point the tears a flowing from my eyes on their own. And I am beginning to feel really bad, that I did not spend more time playing with my son when he was little, giving him more time. And in the midst of me feeling all emotional and bad for being such a horrible human being Vik tells me: “there is nothing to get upset about, if you would change anything, then it will not be you any more, he loves you as you are, you don’t need to be perfect mother, to be a good mother, and you are a good mother. It's not that big a deal if he asks you what’s in your food before eating, after all he is not deathly allergic to the stuff, I am sure you would have remembered if it was life threatening allergies.”

Those words were true and came from the heart. I know my son loves me a lot, I just need to work on accepting myself for who I am with all my flows. And accepting my mother with all hers, I just wish it was not so hard and painful to think about it, but there is nothing I can change. Even if my mother started asking me more personal question, I am not sure I would be able to tell her. That ship have sailed and it will be a miracle if it will come back. One cannot change the past and there is no point to dwell on it. Forgiving, letting go and accepting, those are the things I need to work on.