True happiness

About a week ago I started talking to one of my old friend’s. We started working together over 20 years ago, and the next 10 continued to work together on and off. Naturally, we started catching up, a lot have changed in 10 years that we lost contact. Yesterday he asked me a question: “I guess what I'm asking is do you remember when you were really content and happy?”

I could not answer that question right away, it made me think. Life is never the same, there are always ups and downs, but when was I really really happy?

When I was a small kid, all I needed was ice-cream or some bubble gum and I was happy, then as I was getting older, simple ice-cream was no longer the giver of happiness. I was happy for a while when I found out that we will be migrating to USA. Growing up in the Soviet country with Jewish parents, I was expected to marry and have children, and I was under the impression that it will bring me everlasting happiness. When I married my Jewish prince, I put on a “happy” mask, but unfortunately, that was all it was, a “happy mask”. I wore it so well, that at some point I was able to believe that I was happy. My life was good, I had a job, I had a husband, and since I was not even 20, we decided to have kids few years later.

When I met my friend I was already on my second job, first one did not have much potential for making money, so I had to quit it. So on the second job I was making more money, I had friends, so I guess I can say that I was truly happy, and did not need my “happy” mask till I was driving home. I said before that I am really good at living in denial, and that is exactly what I was doing. Denial and a “happy” mask is a killer combination, you put those two together, and even a prison cell will become a happy place.

I was really happy when I found out that I was pregnant, all day I spent in the toys R’ us store looking at the baby stuff, and smiling at every single little baby that I met on the way. I truly thought that with a baby I will be able to put away my “happy” mask and never pull it out again. I thought that baby will magically fix all the problems we were having. Wrong again, he did not bother to stop drinking. When my son was born, I was so tired and worn out, all I wanted was a sandwich and some sleep.

Young proud mother coming home from the hospital, and my mother in law is asking “how is the little shit doing?” Really? You have not even met your grandson and you already calling him “little shit”? Good thing I did not hide that “happy” mask too far. Next 8 years of my life, I can't really call happy either. I was married and it was for better or for worse, my parents are married, my grandparents are married, in-laws are married, so who am I to complain? I am sure there were some happy moments, my life is never just gray, I always try to make the best out of it, but if I say that I was truly happy with my ex, it's a lie.

I opened up my own business, with my partner. I probably would be able to say that I was happy, but we were not making much profits, so that kinda gauged my happiness level. When the business took a nosedive, and we closed, I finally decided that I had enough with my husband, packed my clothes, took my son and I moved in with my parents. Being 30 years old, with a child, living with you parents, not having a job, struggle with something as basic as gas money, so I can take my son to school, is a far cry from happiness.

Finding a good job, and moving out of my parents’ house into a small single house with my former business partner aka boyfriend, I could finally ditch my “happy” mask. I think at that time I was truly happy. I had a great boss, great boyfriend, wonderful child, fantastic sex life and a little dog, I could not ask for more. My life was complete. I guess I can say that for about 5 years I was really happy and content, that was till my boss decided to fire me, and turn my life upside down.

When you are sitting on unemployment for 9 month, all you think is how I am going to pay my mortgage, and not what will make me happy. Getting a job at the dealership made me cry right after the interview so hard, I had to pull over on my way back, so I don’t crash. That was a year from hell.

I was happy when I was able to return to the scrap yard two years later, after I was fired. Am I happy now? It depends. I have a roof over my head, I have a wonderful son and his girlfriend, I have a great step daughter, and I can afford to feed myself after a full time job and 2 part time ones. Yes, and I am married to my former business partner. I would not go as far as calling him a great husband, he could be a lazy unappreciative stubborn ass sometimes. All that leaves me contempt with my life.

Happiness is not other people, happiness is not things, true happiness is love and it comes from within, it comes from the heart. Thinking back, I can't say I was really happy, but I was happy in my heart, that’s the light that shines through any darkness, that’s the light that will only be extinguished with the end of my life.