Breaking point

I decided to install a new program on my phone to help me sleep. It was a great program; it tracks your light and deep phases of sleep then it picks the best time to wake you up within designated 30 minutes. It had fantastic reviews, so I was looking forward to a great night sleep. It was about 2:30 am when I heard the first very gentle buzzing, followed up by next. I did not think much of it because I know that my phone makes noises, and that was one of the reasons why I was trying program. I turned to another side and started falling asleep once again. Right as I was dosing off, I was awakened by the same buzzing noise, over and over again. At about 4:30, exhausted, pissed and sleep deprived, I was contemplating if I should throw my phone across the room or drown it in the toilet, but it did not guarantee the silence, so I decided that I was awake enough to uninstall the offending program, and try to fall asleep once again. I figured that I have another hour to catch some zzz’s. My sleep-deprived brain had other thoughts… It decided to entertain me with some very colorful and vivid dreams.

In my dream, I was tired and I was walking to the coffee shop across the street, and by looking around I realized that I was in New York, it was still early and there weren’t too many pedestrians and cars on the road. I finally crossed the street and walked into the coffee shop, I had to get my tea. When I walked in I saw people turn their heads away from me, and I could see pity, sadness with little bit of disgust in their eyes. I could not understand why I was getting looks like that until I put my head down, and what I saw frightened me. I was dressed like a homeless person, my once turquoise coat looked like it was dragged through the mud, the not so fashionable sweater that I still wear to work had a huge stain, my jeans were ripped and dirty. From another side of the counter I saw a guy looking straight at me, he was the only one who did not turn his gaze away. I put my hand into my pocket to get the money, but all I had was some change, by the time I pulled my hand, tightly clutching the coins in my hand that man was staying next to me. He was very tall; my eyes were level with his broad chest. His face was unshaven; he had a goatee with few gray strands in his hair mixed with Irish red. His eyes were brown, bright, intelligent, piercing like he was looking right through me, he had some wrinkles around his eyes, and his forehead had deep worry lines. He pulled some money out of his pocket, and then he took some coins from my hand, when his hand came into contact with mine I felt a heat wave reach my elbow from his touch. Then he walked back to his seat by the entrance and let me order my tea. Once I had my tea in my hand, I came up to him to thank him; he smiled, showing that he was missing one front tooth. And I walked outside.

When I was outside a wave of cold air reminded me that I should be walking faster and I remembered that I have to go somewhere and I need to get my car, I started walking faster, still holding untouched cup of tea in my hand, as I crossed the road. Across the street vendors were already setting up their lots for sale, looking at one of them I remembered that I have my tea in my hand and decided to take a sip, I wish I did not, my hot beverage tasted like a three day old molded diarrhea, making me gag and almost throw up, I started looking for a garbage can to get rid of this nasty stuff.

I went behind a building where I parked my car, and I saw some Hispanics on the forklifts cleaning up the lot, I tried to go around them to my car, but I was stopped by them, as they started bullying me. I got scared and I ran into the skinny alley between two tall buildings. They kept running behind me, whistling on the way, like they are chasing helpless prey, when I realized that the whistling noise was my alarm that was set for 5:35. Groggily I opened my eyes and turned my alarm off, trying to shake the bad feeling after a heavy and detailed dream like that.

My body felt heavy, my brain was still hazy trying to differentiate between what was real and what was not, I looked to my right to see my husband already awake and up, he was dressing and he was going to take the dogs out. I told him that I am feeling really bad and I need his help this morning to get me collected. I was still ripping my head away from the softness of my pillow when the pack of dogs flew into the bed, suffocating me with their wet kisses.

-         -Vik, did you feed them? – I ask

-         -No, you can do it when you get up – was the reply

Not what I wanted to hear.

-         -Please feed them, I don’t feel good, I need your help, and make me some tea

-         -Ok – he replied

I got dressed and I went to the bathroom, knowing that my tea will have enough time to brew before I have to run to work.

When I went out into the kitchen the dogs finished their yogurt, Vik was sitting at the bar, playing games, and the tea was not even touched, with heavy heart I went to the tea kettle, washed my French Press that I use to brew my tea and made me tea. I was very frustrated, and upset. But I decided to try again, and I asked him to wash some fruit for me and pack my lunch. I had to write my dream down, at that moment it felt like it was the most important thing I had to do, but Vik and his friend, were chatting away and laughing, and all I wanted was to be at peace and alone, so I can deal with my rising panic. So I went back to the bathroom to write and finish washing my face and brush my teeth. Once again when I was ready and all washed up it was already 6:15 and I had to leave my house in 5 minutes. Upon entering the kitchen once again, I saw Vik at the same position, gaming, sitting at the bar, and my lunch untouched. I got even more pissed off. How a person that I closest to me be so fucking ignorant and not acknowledge anything I ask him. I go to the sink and start washing my fruits, he comes up behind me, takes the fruits out of my hands and starts washing them himself, saying that it only takes a second to do, that he does not understand why I am getting upset.

For quite some time I was feeling alone, abandoned and overwhelmed, and I was very weak from lack of sleep, so as a result, I was super irritable. 6:20, when I have to go to work was not the best time for conflicts, but that morning my body and mind did not care. I started crying out of despair, my husband, like any husband, started making me feel better, but I was way beyond that point. Between the sobs, I told him that he is not reliable, that I feel alone and abandoned, that I have way too much on my plate and I can’t share the burden with anyone at all, because it does not look like anyone cares, as long as everything is taken care of. The tears were running down my face, my sobs were getting louder and louder, I was feeling pity for myself. I felt like I was a small dot in the center, and the ring around me was all my responsibilities, I saw a merry-go-round of my main job, all the problems and my denial to deal with it, all the broken trucks, all complaints from my co-workers, my second job, with my boss calling me and asking if “this and that” was done, my third job with unfinished taxes, then personal finances, my taxes, my son’s, my parents and my ex’s that I do every year, then my merry-go-round had my dogs, then my husband’s friend that lives with us and I am helping him with everything he needs, followed by kids, and their messes that they leave all over the house.

My head was spinning, it was getting dark, I heard my own sobs, lifting from my chest, I could no longer control the inevitable nervous breakdown. The sobs were getting louder and louder, the tears were running down my cheeks and into Vik’s shirt like an open floodgate. I heard some commotion in the back, but at that point I could care less what was going on around me, I managed to hiccup a request to bring me some water, when Vik finally understood that I want some water he peeled me away from him and went into the kitchen to get me some water, and my legs just buckled under me, I folded on the floor, he brought some water for me, and I attempted to drink it, between the hiccups, when I successfully made few sips, my son scooped me off the floor and set me back into Vik’s chest, where I was already finishing crying.

When I finally was able to catch my breath, I splashed my face with some cold water, looked at the clock and realized that I was inevitably late for work, but I was in a state of mind where I could care less about anything anymore.