Black & White Life
Few days ago I came across a new subject that grabbed my
attention. It's called “Bondassage” – it's a sensual massage with light bondage
with elements of BDSM.
BDSM – Bondage & discipline, dominance & submission,
sadism & masochism.
BDSM is never black & white, there are many shades of
gray in between, and it has been pulling me in, like a magnet for a very long
time. I see an erotic scene and I want to participate, and I want my partner to
play with me, or I will watch some hard core porn – and I am freaked out over
it. But the reaction is what is important for me. When people find themselves in
that environment they seem more open and honest.
I have a Master friend who lives BDSM 24/7 and I came to him
for an advice. He said that I don’t need to pay all that money to learn
something that he can teach, and he said that it's just a fancy name for the
same old stuff. Me, being super exited as I see this an opportunity to make a
living, a very comfortable living I had to talk to my husband to make sure that
we are on the same page. Last time I brought up the subject of BDSM he was
totally not into it, and nothing changed for him since. I was making one huge
mistake before – I was trying to make him understand and follow me, and it only
created a huge conflict. Having an open relationship it was agreed upon that we
share everything. If he is not into it – than how can I share? What would he
think of me? how will he react if I will tell him that I was tied down and
enjoyed it very much when he does not even want to hear anything? It was ”shorting
my brain circuit”: how can I have it all? Last time it almost lead me to a
nervous breakdown and he was acting like a jealous husband and he have never
done that before. So I had to stop talking to my friend, my family always come
first. With that my mood was going down, I did not feel complete satisfaction, I
was feeling misunderstood and hurt. Why does a person I love not even want to
give it a try? So I completely gave up on my dreams and desires to explore. I learned
how to live with it, when you block something out of your mind long enough, it
stops bothering you at the end. I
learned very well how to live in denial.
Now with this new information it awoken my sleeping desires,
and put me back on the same boat. So realizing my mistake from before, I decided
that I need is to separate the two worlds – it will be white one with my vanilla
husband, and a black one with my Master friend. I had to explain to him that I will
no longer be telling him all the details of the sessions, because you can't learn
without experiencing this for yourself. It's like learning to drive a car from
the manual without physically doing it, and he understood and we came to the
agreement that it can be accomplished, and I can share only what I want to
share, only what I think will make him turned on.
It was about six month since I saw my Master friend, last
time he shook my comfortable life, and it is still making waves. He point blank
looked into my eyes and said:
- - You know that your relationship is over? It actually
been over for quite some time.
- - What do you mean? – I said, with my eye wide open
- - You have been taking care of everything, you
support your family financially, and you take care of the house, what does your
husband do? What did he do while you worked your ass off at the dealership for
a year?
I had nothing to say, I cried. Nobody ever said anything
like that to me, I don’t complain often, and when you are doing things that you
are so used to doing, you stop noticing how you pick up the slack and don't realize
that you are doing all the work while your significant other is enjoying
himself playing games. I brought it up to my husband, but I made a mistake, it
came out like it was from my Master friend, which it kinda was. And that was
the core of the conflicts, I was mad, he was confused to why I am mad. It's been
working for the past ten years, why does it no longer work? And it did not stop
till I took my Master friend out of the equation and I went back to doing all
the things myself. That brought me back
to the same place where we started, I was no longer blind as to what is going
on, and doing everything was making me crazy and very irritable, and that was
what brought me to spend a week in my parents’ house.
This time around I am really hoping I will be doing things
right and will be able to separate the two worlds that I care about.
Comments
Post a Comment