How much help do our grown children need?

That is a good question.

Once I read on FB: “when my child turned 18, I gave him a sock and said Doby is free now”. It had me laughing, but that almost how it was when I turned 18, I did not get a sock, I ran, I no longer wanted to live under the same roof with my parents.

Few days ago my ex called me and said “our son’s car broke down, we need to help him” to what my only reply was “stop solving his problems, he needs to learn how to deal with them himself”. Father’s first instinct was to fix baby’s problems. Totally understandable, with an exception of one minor detail. Baby is 20 years old, and he needs to learn how to take care of his own problems. He agreed with me, and that was closed.

Yesterday I get a call from my dad, and he is asking me to stop by his house, because he has something he wants to talk to me about. Ok, not a problem, on my way home from work I totally forget to go see my parents and come straight home. After a reminder phone call, I get back in my car and drive. Good thing my parents live 5 minutes from me.

As always my mother has a plate of something to offer, unfortunately I am not hungry, but I take a bite of pineapple anyways. They sit me down, and they start the conversation with “Your son needs a new car, I was thinking all night, and I think we all can pitch in few grand, you, your ex and us and it will be a good down payment on his car.”

Wait a minute. So at tender age of 20, he and his girlfriend still live with me, rent free, I pay for his phone and car insurance, and now I have to buy him a new car, after he got the one he is driving for his 16^th birthday. I see a problem with this picture, when I was 20 I lived alone, and managed all my finances by myself, I did not have anyone helping me, my parents did not have anything to give and even if they did, I would not want it. Why my son should be any different? I already gave him everything I could, I have nothing more to give, I am already feeling like a squeezed out lemon, why should it be my headache? So I asked my mother, why is it when I moved out you had no problems with it? Well, I was still worried….sometimes I wish I had a better relationship with my mother, but I don’t. And I would not even know where to start, sometimes I just need for her to be my friend, but “mother” is so deeply imprinted in her, that she cannot let a “friend” out.

Then after the car conversation was over, she started drilling me on “your son has only one pair of jeans, he has only one pair of shoes, I don’t even know about the state of his socks and undies”. Here we go again. “Mother, he is not my responsibility anymore!!! He has a girlfriend, it's her job to make sure he looks decent, not mine!!!” He has a job and he can take care of himself! If he did not have a job I would have told him to get one.

I love my son dearly, and I am doing everything I can for him to succeed in life. For me it means, letting go and letting him grow up and be an adult.

After all the car ended up being a minor repair that mechanic did not even charge him for.